ST. ELMO'S FRIDAY, PART XII: The Redemption of FuckFace

SCENE XXXIX: JULES’ TASTELESS NIGHTMARE OF AN APT. – DAY (Cont’d)

After no mention is made of the fact that she is now being comforted by the very same man who tried to date rape her a few nights previous, Jules* finally speaks in a denuded croak: “Do you know what I've been doing every day since I got fired? I've been sitting in the hospital with my step-monster. We've had the best talks we've ever had. Of course, she's in a coma, which really pisses me off. Because all that time I just waited for one word from that woman about why my father hates me so much.” So that’s it then? Daddy issues? We had no indication of this whatsoever. Jules mentioned in an early scene that his new girlfriend is her age, which bodes the contemporary question: Was Jules molested as a child? I know, I know, it sucks, but people weren't asking such questions in '85.
*Jules trivia: Demi Moore wanted to play this scene nude but that Schumacher killed that idea because it would be too hard to film -- something Andrew Bergman figured his way around when he directed her for Striptease 11 years later. Back in the day, film-industry stroke mag Premiere alleged that Schumacher lit into Moore on the set, screaming at her until she was in tears. Hence, the real tears on film...

Oh wait, FuckFace is still talking: “Jules, you know, honey, this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's fire. The electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere.* Sailors would guide entire journeys by it. But there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo.** They made it up because they needed it to keep going when things got tough. Just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time on the edge.”
*Sorta true. St. Elmo's fire as a phenomenon is quite real, whose origins are electrical in nature. St. Elmo's fire didn't appear in the sky but instead manifested around the masts of the ship, thus making it impossible to chart a course by.
**St. Elmo was actually two Roman Catholic saints: St. Peter Gonzalez and St. Erasmus of Formiae. Both are considered the patron saints of sailors.

Real St. Elmo’s Fire As Seen from the cockpit of an A319:

Believe it or not, the most famous image in the entire film – Lowe touching his lighter to one of Jules' aerosol cans and blasting a brief flame without managing to catch his mullet on fire – was Rob Lowe’s idea (“a burst of energy and beauty and youth and combustability that is there for an instant, then gone forever”). This is the strange twist buried deep in this film’s sparkly surface: Lowe’s character has been FuckFace for most of the film, but he redeems himself with his “St. Elmo’s fire” metaphor – much the same way Rob Lowe the actor has been coasting on his roguish good looks for most of the film, only to add the flame at the last minute and thus creating one of the most enduring images in ‘80s movies. Wethinks that FuckFace has earned the right – despite the phone book-sized list of crimes and misdemeanors he has accrued over the last two hours – to be called Billy again. (Case in point: The "old" Billy would have lit one of his farts to make the St. Elmo's fire metaphor.) The filmmakers have pulled off a great little bait and switch: It was Alec who began the film as our worshipped idol, and by the end, he is revealed as the consummate dickweed; the exact opposite happens for Billy.

JULES: I'm just so tired. I never thought I'd be so tired at 22.* I just don't even know who to be anymore.
*Susan Becker, the film’s costume designer, was the originator of this line. Judging from the awful fashions seen in this film, she should have taken a long nap.

BILLY: Join the club. No one was buying this together-woman-of-the-eighties stuff anyway.
JULES: And all this time I was afraid you'd find out I wasn't fabulous.
BILLY: It's cool. All this time I was afraid you'd find out I was irresponsible.

They're laughing! Hey Mikey!

SCENE XXXX: WENDY BEAMISH’S SOON-NOT-TO-BE-VIRGIN DWILLING – NIGHT

Even Wendy – who apparently has won can’t believe his transformation. (Well, he sits on the floor playing his just-rebought-from-hock sax without once offering to help Wend paint her new apartment…but hey, Rome wasn’t rebuilt in a night.)

WENDY: So when did you get so sane?
BILLY: When I realized how insane I'd been trying to be like Alec. I'm not part of this after-college life. Careers. Marriage. Felicia and Melody'll be better off without me.

Apparently, Felice and Ray Slater have reconciled. Billy even pays Wendy back for the 4,000 times he’s hit her up for cash. “I'll get you the rest once I get settled in New York,” he resolves. “If I can find someone who's fool enough to let me play my sax.” This leads to Wend’s trite mini-logue:

You wanna know what's great? Last night, I woke up to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And you know, it was my kitchen, and it was my refrigerator and it was my apartment and it was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've had in my entire life.

The best? Wend, your peanut butter and jelly ain’t got nothin’ on what’s coming down your pike:

BILLY: You still a virgin?
WENDY: Why is my sexual status so important to you?
BILLY: Have I abused our relationship too much or could I be so bold as to ask you for a going-away present?

He shoots, he scores! The Giants have won the pennant! We’re goin’ all the way tonight tonight we’re goin’ all the way toniiiiigghhhhht!*
*What the filmmakers have left out: "Owwwwuch!” “Um, oops, sorry”…Billy cutting away Wendy’s rubber fat suit with an Xacto knife…embarrassed crying…Billy using the thumb of a painter’s glove as a condom…lots of hot water and soap…Wendy turning into a total sheet-scorcher and batting Billy’s balls out of the park, making him eat out of a dog dish: "Billy. Your money’s on the dresser. I’m done with you.”

SCENE XXXXI: BUS STATION – NIGHT

Our penultimate scene. Billy’s leaving on that midnight bus to New York. Everyone looks quietly relieved.

TITMOUSE: You're beautiful. Never shave.
BILLY: Don't go changing to please me.*
*It would make sense that he would quote Billy Joel to Alec, who seems to not be able to part with his Billy Joel record The Stranger, of which “Just the Way You Are” is the 3rd track.

Billy’s parting wisdom before he boards the Greyhound: “Go get out of hand.”

LESLIE: (voice over) I can't remember who met who first...or who fell in love with who first. All I can remember is the seven of us always together….

The other big change comes when that slut Leslie links her arms with the two men she’s been toying with like wounded little mice: “I've made a decision. I think I have to be by myself for a while. I love you both. I'm gonna try life without any miracles for a while. I hope we can still be friends.”

Ugh. Yet Alec and Kevin seem totally happy with that. No grappling necessary.

"Uh, Billy, I think I'm pregna -- oh, never mind"

SCENE XXXXII: OUTSIDE ST. ELMO’S BAR – NIGHT

The “sobering up” scene. The gang stops by St. Elmo’s Bar and stares inside: suddenly, the bar seems too loud and too stuffed with “kids.” They all have to get up early the next day and go to work. Jules has to find work. So does Kirby, who’s now a person of interest in the mysterious disappearance of a young medical resident and her doctor boyfriend. They resolve to meet for brunch at another restaurant – “Hoolihan’s,” which I imagine as a nightmare hybrid of Bennigan’s and Applebee’s. These peeps are aging so rapidly that by the end of the scene they’re playing shuffleboard, wearing their pants up to their navels, watching Fox News, stealing free packets of Sweet ‘N’ Low from restaurants and going to bed at 4:30pm. Ah, the death of youth in time lapse.

JULES: Guess what? You guys will never believe it. I found out that it only costs $250 to bury a cat. So I figured, why don't I just put my step-monster into a large cat suit?

(Collective groan from the gang: “Oh, you wacky Jules!”)

ALL: A-booga-booga-booga, ah-ha-ha!

Last shot: The exterior of the St. Elmo’s Bar. Up with "Man in Motion" song.

The (merciful) end.

bobbything, theagonybooth.com forum, 11/11/09

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK: Where we mop up the booth and assess the body count.

CD REVIEW: Nels Cline’s DIRTY BABY (UPDATED*)

A few weeks ago I had a brief if pleasant conversation with the novelist Steve Erickson where we marveled at the recent spate of superlative film soundtracks: Jonny Greenwood’s score for There Will Be Blood, Daft Punk’s for Tron Legacy, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross’ for The Social Network, The Roots' for Night Catches Us. I found myself throwing Nels Cline’s score for David Breskin and Ed Ruscha’s DIRTY BABY project into the mix even though the music does not accompany moving images but static ones. And with poetry to boot! Yet growing up in the shadow of Hollywood must have somehow seeped into Cline’s radar: this is perhaps his most cinematic piece of music and indicative of a sweeping and vision he’s only been hinting at. But now it’s official: Nels Cline wants to be a great American composer.

Even in his liner notes to the beautifully packaged objet d’art 2-CD box set, Cline makes references to modern musical cranks like Morton Feldman, Carl Ruggles and Charles Ives. Yet he declares in his lengthy liner notes that "a project like this unavoidably approaches (and yet naturally enough avoids) the very idea of SOUNDTRACK” – partly because some of the music has been improvised (yet so seamlessly incorporated into the composed bits that I defy you to notice where one ends and the other begins) and partly because of Cline’s embracing of the pastiche techniques used by John Zorn (Naked City) and Frank Zappa (Uncle Meat). Where the majority of songs on Cline’s albums with his regular group the Nels Cline Singers (bassist Devin Hoff and Scott Amendola form the spine of the 15-member DB orchestra) jump from one single genre to the other – something that Cline himself has admitted in interviews has become somewhat predictable – Cline does a more successful “mash up” of myriad influences. Punk, avant-garde jazz, film noir, doom metal, Middle Eastern drone, country-western, electronica, groove – all are mixed together more organically. Similar to other soundtrack composers like Michael Danna (The Sweet Hereafter) and Brian Keane (The Way West), Cline draws parallels between conflicting forms and comes up – despite the America-centric settings of Ruscha’s images and Breskin’s poetry – with a result that evokes a sort of borderless global iPOD.

The Cool School: Ed Ruscha, David Breskin, Nels Cline

It’s no wonder the guy grew up in Los Angeles. Cline, along with Ruscha, evokes the city’s uneasy codependency between the high and the low forms of artistic expression. In a 1999 interview, Cline stated that growing up in the city during the ‘60s explosion of psychedelic music and irreverent Pop Art led him to develop into “the king of aesthetic dichotomies until I was fully an adult. Everything for me has been an internal war between high and low art, between rock and jazz…I could never merge them until I was almost forty years old.” Where his twin brother Alex became a gifted visual artist and mercurial jazz drummer, Cline has since worked to incorporate live improvised music with improvised art, such as his longtime live collaborations with L.A. painter Norton Wisdom, both in the duo Stained Radiance and the punk-groove-jazz collective Banyan.

Enter David Breskin, a renaissance mensch whom Cline knew for his music journalism and production credits with ex-Cecil Taylor sideman Ronald Shannon Jackson, gutarist Bill Frisell and the aforementioned Mr. Zorn. In 2002, Breskin had produced RICHTER88, an art/poetry/musical hybrid featuring the abstract art of Gerhard Richter and the music of Mr. Frisell. This caught the eye of Mr. Ruscha, who invited Breskin to tackle some of his lesser-known paintings from the ‘80s and ‘90s. Breskin selected 33 prints each from two different series – The Silhouettes (murky chiaroscuro images of Western expansion: tilted merchant ships, baying wolves, road signs, spiny cacti) and Cityscapes (abstract bars and strips). Although Ruscha is mainly known for his word-based paintings of American roadside signage, Breskin chose to go nonverbal: both sets of paintings are referred to as the “dumb blocks” (Ruscha’s term) or “censor strips” (everyone else’s). Breskin also chose to include his own poetry in the concise and airtight form of Arabic ghazals. Breskin then approached L.A. super-producer and multi-instrumentalist Jon Brion (Paul Thomas Anderson’s go-to soundtrack guy for Boogie Nights, Magnolia and Punch-Drunk Love) but Brion begged off after pleading unfamiliarity with Ruscha’s work. Cline seemed the next natural leap: he and Brion had been collaborating for years, including charmingly esoteric jam sessions at L.A.’s Largo club. “David did give me clues to what he wanted for the music,” Cline admits in his liner notes, “but no specific direction save for the initial Side A brief: create one long piece of music, not a collection of discrete songs.”

SIDE A, "NELSAANISQATSI": Breskin’s task was a little more specific: he wanted Cline to score no less than “a sort of shaggy-dog time-lapse history” of Western expansion: “The primordial New Land is “discovered” by European interlopers and settlers; they push westward; land and slaves are purchased, fences go up; cities are created, the land is altered in extreme; proximity and increased ease of communication beget, ironically, isolation.” Quite a chunk to bite off – that’s about 6,000 years, folks! – yet its remarkable how Cline calls on his music-nerd encyclopedia of a brain and yet makes music that sounds so eerily original. Side A begins with deceptive simplicity: back and forth acoustic strumming by Cline and acolyte Jeremy Drake, soon joined by Bill Barrett’s shape-shifting chromatic harmonica and Devin Hoff’s searching bass, calling up images of bubbling tidepools and oozing magma. Barrett’s harmonica mixes with Glenn Taylor’s understated pedal steel guitar before Wayne Peet’s atmospheric Hammond organ flickers over a plodding horse-hoof pulse. (The same BPM is maintained throughout the 42 minute cut). It’s an epic yet modern cowboy opera—music both familiar and otherworldly.

Cline’s adherence to his improvised-music roots yields some fascinating direction for his musicians: at one point, Cline cues them to improvise using only the chord-structure used by Nashville session players.* By the fourth mini-suite, guest Jon Brion (whom Cline managed to get to sit in) weighs in with a vintage EMI Synth, creating circular squiggles on which one can almost see the time lapse growth of the digital city like a metastasizing computer chip, eating up the desert as it expands. Despite Cline’s claim in his liner notes that “I pretty much messed up any literal timeline,” this could be the story of Los Angeles, our progression to “the end of the line.” Any doubt of this is smershed by the closing track: A terrifying primeval march/dirge, where Hoff’s bass growls and stomps like some slag-created monster oozing out of a cadmium-polluted urban nightscape – all doom, all the time. It’s a scary experience on headphones, summoning up dinosaurs and Maseratis alike drowning in the La Brea Tar Pits, both making distress calls in their own language. This is some of Cline’s most upsetting music – that is, until a banjo and a mini-guitar begin to rise in the background, stilling the ugliness and making it go to sleep with a choker hold.
*From Nels: "In Nashville songs are easily played/learned/recorded/arranged by just naming the chords as they appear in the diatonic scale - I - vii. So in C I is C, IV is F, vi is A minor, etc. Sometimes onstage playing little-known material a musical director will use numbers of fingers, sometimes charts are just these numbers."

SIDE B, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHIFIED": Breskin’s idea for DB's second half was, as he told an interviewer, “a kind of shooting gallery in which to set the Iraq conflict — back to the 'cradle' of that civilization, the nearly-destroyed nursery.” His direction for Cline was a bit more constrictive: 33 pieces, each no longer than a minute-plus. Cline came up with, in his words, “more than a string of amuse-bouche”: a sound-byte rendering of America’s wars in the Middle East. And it’s amazing how many far-reaching sounds and influences Cline throws into the mix and mashes together with great care. Track 6 (“DO AS TOLD OR SUFFER”) could be a race-car engine, or someone imitating a race-car engine by spitting though tightened lips, or even one long cartoonish flatulence. On Track 9 (“HEY YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH THE FISHES?”), a bebop bass line is supported by a woozy, art-damaged surf guitar reverb. Some tracks punch you in the face before signing off abruptly. The Cagean Track 10 (“A COLUMBIA NECKLACE FOR YOU”) is more silence than sound. Track 11 (“NOTE WE HAVE ALREADY GOT RID OF SEVERAL LIKE YOU”) is of a lyrical piece with the Gil Evans/Miles Davis collaborations of the late ‘50s. Track 15 (“I’M GOING TO LEAVE MORE NOTES AND I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS”) is chugging metal mixed with a free-jazz horn freakout. Even in these small pieces, Cline approaches the anthemic spheres of great FILM composers like Jerry Goldsmith and Ennio Morricone. Even he is forced to conclude in his liner notes: “Maybe it IS a soundtrack after all…” Ah Nels. Long may you waiver!

*UPDATE (11/24/10): Listen to NPR reporter Andrea Raymond's profile of the DIRTY BABY project.

ST. ELMO’S FRIDAY, PT. XI: Tract Housing in Maryland?

SCENE XXXVI: JULES’ TASTELESS NIGHTMARE OF AN APT. – DAY

After a wonderful morning overseeing the equal distribution of record albums, Leslie pulls up in Jules’ Jeep, only to find Kevin hanging around like a poozer. Wrapped in his beige trenchcoat, holding flowers wrapped in paper and a bottle of wine wrapped in beige paper. Kevin slaps the morning’s newspaper against the windshield right in Leslie’s face, grinning with cig smoke pouring out of his mouth. We catch his first byline:

THE MEANING OF LIFE: Observations by Kevin Dolenz

Only with the power of freeze-frame can we see some excerpts:

Pop tarts now come in twelve flavors; music videos are a twenty-four hour a day phenomenon; ordinary women can transform themselves into goddesses in aerobics temples. All signs indicate that we are in the zenith of contemporary civilization…[MIDDLE PART OBSCURED]…and take along your favorite albums, preferably THE DOORS, so you’ll have something to listen to. There’s life in my three volume set.

Uh-huh. Strange how now, reading these cryptic and incoherent scraps, we can see the parallels between Kevin’s observations and the rambling banality of Larry King’s infamous USA Today column.* Thing is, from all indications, the only a newspaper in reality that would publish a bunch of folderol would be The Hurley’s Old Timey Market Pennypincher. If that.
*Oddly enough, Larry King debuted his talk show on CNN in June 1985, the very month and year S.E.F. was released.


Cut to Kevin mooning over Leslie, who is obviously put off by his fawning-faun expression and limp-wimp gratefulness. Leslie continues to pump him up, which is probably the exact wrong thing to be doing, while Kev practically falls on top of her as he’s trying to read his piece. “It's because of you," he breathed, "I couldn't write anything till you.” He starts kissing her. She says, “What?” Not a good sign.

Just then, Hurricane Jules blows in wearing her bad girl garb: black leather jacket with fringe on the arms. Yee-Uck. She seems utterly unshocked by Kevin and Leslie’s inept canoodling: “Don't you guys ever use a bed?”

Leslie jumps up to: (a) show Jules Kevin’s piece and (b) get away from the 5000 Fingers of Kevin D. Kevin barely lets her get two steps away when he blurts pout “Wait, wait, wait” before landing 20 more kisses on her face. This is an exquisitely painful scene for us literary-minded sensitive college guys: Kevin’s behavior is so annoying, so needy and grasping and unedited, that it still makes me cringe. Because we’ve all been there. I still think of my obsequious caveman desire to get laid at any price and the way it affected my behavior in so many pathetic ways. Come to think of it, there were a few lean years there where I “swore off women” just like Kevin and my friends began to wonder...

Poor Ron Dellasandro, who seems to be showing up at all the wrong times, shows up and sees Kevin mouth-washing Leslie. Kevin shoves it in his face: “Hi, Ron!” Unrelease the Gaykren!

Kevin: Blowing It

Cut to Jules pulling out a vial so full of coke that it looks like a bottle of White Out with the label torn off.* She plays with her hair like it’s a nuisance. Leslie stands in the doorway with a disapproving look, augmented by her church-doily collar. “Kevin has his first byline,” Leslie says, handing Jules the paper as she blows out again. “That’s great!” Jules shrieks, grabbing the paper absently and reading the first thing she sees: “Tract Housing in Maryland”?
*As any good S.E.F. loremeister should know, Demi Moore had a real problem with drugs. One day, she came to the set higher than a kite and Joel Schumacher kicked her off the set. In order to avoid getting fired, Moore went through rehab.

Jules: Also Blowing It

She gives Kevin’s piece a 1.1 millisecond glance – yep, been there before – before blowing back out the door to meet Forrester. “She's out of control,” Leslie moans as she rushes to the window to check out Jules’ sugar daddy. Kevin, apparently on spring-load, shoots up from the couch to rush to help Leslie open the window. He’s rapidly losing points. Seeing Jules meet Forrester on the street below, he quips: “International banking has gotten sexier” – a sort of a rehash line that recalls FuckFace’s earlier “Welfare recipients are getting better-looking.”

Before she has a chance to inhale her next breath, Kevin slips his arm through hers and bleats out: “Speaking of which, not to get ahead of myself, but I was thinking: maybe we'd get a place together.” For the second time, Leslie responds: “What?” – but she’s finally dropped her veil of denial. When Kevin tell her he loves her for the 1000th time, she decides to stick it to him: “Kevin, sex isn't love.”

Now it’s Kevin’s turn for denial: “What's that mean?”

LESLIE: That means that you were sitting there with all these feelings – incredible feelings – tied up in a box with my pictures. And I needed to break away from Alec.

In Kevin’s eyes one can see the beginnings of a fallen crest. To make matters worse, the phone rings and once again the consummate sloppy-seconds cockblocker Alec, whose timing has become downright brutal for Kevin’s love life. Leslie answers and Titmouse, who apparently can’t admit fault face-to-face, mumbles, “I'm not proud of my behavior.”

KEVIN: Hang up.
TITMOUSE: Who's that? That's not Kevin, is it? You're not with Kevin playing my records?

Oy. Again with the records! Their conversation plays out like a misunderstanding on a sitcom, or an Abbott & Costello routine.

LESLIE: Stop it, please.
KEVIN: Tell him we're moving in together.
LESLIE: We are not!
TITMOUSE: So the two of you are moving in together!
LESLIE: I wish everything could be like it was, all of us friends.
KEVIN: I don't want to be friends!

(Leslie gapes at him) Uh, I didn't mean that. I mean, it was an accident.

There is an agonizing pause. Leslie looks shocked, as if Kevin revealed he is a hermaphrodite. It’s not that bad of a sentiment: We are adults and I want to take this thing we have to the next level.

Irregardless. Leslie kicks him out.

SCENE XXXVII: STREET OUTSIDE OF ST. ELMO’S BAR – NIGHT

A totally pointless scene but for the fact that it has a line that was in the promo trailer:

KIRBO: I always thought we'd be friends forever.
KEVIN: Yeah, well, forever got a lot shorter suddenly, didn't it?

Dejected Kevin and a rejected Kirbo – apparently out on bail for assault, trespassing and assorted mayhem – amble up to the bar window and look in. There, at their old table, sits Alec, who seems to have not skipped a beat in inviting his NEW yuppie politico K-Street friends to be his new gaggle of syncophants. Harsh!

SCENE XXXVIII: SENATOR HODGES’ OFFICE– DAY

IF THIS SCENE WAS DIRECTED BY: The Romanian New Wave

Alec -- or for the purposes of this scene, Alexandru -- is dressed in ugly striped tie and short-sleeved dress shirt. He sits behind his metal desk in front of a ripped and yellowing poster of Nicolae Ceauşescu. The light coming through the windows is sunless and glaring, casting a harsh hue on the drab and depressing office: bad turquoise paint job, cracked walls, no pictures or plants, just gunmetal gray filing cabinets and piles of papers. The cheap lamp on his desk blinks on and off constantly. He is chain-smoking and fielding a phone call. (Note: The whole scene is shot in one take with a handheld camera.)

ALEXANDRU: (on phone) …do not complain to me, okay? Your bus driver brother Valentin should not have performed that illegal hotel-room abortion, much less requesting sex from both patients. (pause) I don’t care if the phone is bugged! You assholes over at the Ministry of Parking can fix anything, right? Half of your cousins have connections with the Securitate! Hello? Hello!?

Constantin, one of his office mates, a big hairy man with a thick moustache and sagging jowls, leans on the doorjamb, eating a large sloppy sandwich.

CONSTANTIN: Phones are out again, eh?

Alexandru, frustrated, hangs up, tries to turn off his desk lamp but gets shocked.

ALEXANDRU: Câcat! Why don’t they get some new lamps that don’t attack us when we touch them?

CONSTANTIN: I hear they got a bunch of new ones in the sub-basement.

ALEXANDRU: How new?

CONSTANTIN: 1971, I think.

ALEXANDRU: This one is from 1980.

CONSTANTIN: I know.

ALEXANDRU: So that means these newer desk lamps are actually older than this one?

CONSTANTIN: It would appear so.

ALEXANDRU: (rubs face) You know what? It makes sense in that it doesn’t make sense.

CONSTANTIN: (pops last bit of sandwich in mouth) Making sense is a luxury we cannot afford, my friend.

Alexandru stretches back in his chair, pulls out a bottle of Dakk Premium Vodka from his desk drawer and waves it in the air.

ALEXANDRU: How about some lunch on top of your lunch?

CONSTANTIN: I’m already drunk.

But he pulls up a rusty chair anyway and Alexandru pours two cracked, mismatched glasses full of vodka. Both clink glasses and drink deep, slamming the glasses on the desk. Then, for an uncomfortably long time, nothing happens. The two men just sit, staring into space. An air of defeat and resignation hangs in the air so thick that it could clog a woodchipper. Alexandru pours two more glasses and they drink again. Nothing continues to happen for about five minutes of screen time.

ALEXANDRU: What do you want?

CONSTANTIN: Oh, right. What was it….oh yeah. Your ex is here.

ALEXANDRU: What? Lesliu? She’s here?

CONSTANTIN: Yes.

ALEXANDRU: When?

CONSTANTIN: Right now.

ALEXANDRU: No, you cretin. When did she come in?

CONSTANTIN: Oh. About six hours ago.

ALEXANDRU: Six hours!? Why didn’t you tell me?

CONSTANTIN: Well, you know, she had to stand in line. But before that she had to fill out the forms to stand in line. Then the spot check and strip search while a bunch of guards drank vodka and laughed at her body. Then she had to bribe them not to gang rape her. Then she stood in the wrong line and accidentally spent four hours in detention as an Enemy of the State. I’m wondering if I’m leaving anything out…

ALEXANDRU: Where is she now?

CONSTANTIN: Well, after they performed some “tests” on her, I think they had her tape a message of fealty to Our Great Leader.

ALEXANDRU: (rubbing eyes in frustration) Costantin…

CONSTANTIN: …so now, I think she’s on Level 2, debriefing, filling out her debriefing forms in quadruplicate. While having her body mocked by the debriefers.

ALEXANDRU: Hmph. I can’t say she doesn’t deserve it, but I’d better go check on her.

CUT TO a dingy subbasement hallway lit by flickering florescent lights. Alexandru is bribing two lummox security guards with packs of cigarettes and toilet paper. Then one of them stumbles into the interrogation room behind a rusty metal door. He comes back holding a dazed Leslie by the arm. She looks drugged and disoriented and is wearing a dull gray prison smock. The other guard hands Alexandru a clipboard.

GUARD: (burps rudely) Sign here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And here. Initial here. And here. And here. And here...

ALEXANDRU: (complying) This is absurd. I will inform your superiors of this incident, you can be sure of that.

LESLIU: (zombiesque) Daddy, I think they impregnated me…

ALEXANDRU: (to guards) Great. Nice job. (taking her by the arm and ushering her down the hall) Well, I always wanted us to have a kid. Not the way I expected it would play out, but whatever. Why are you here anyway?

LESLIU: I…I forgot…

CUT TO Alexandru’s office, where LESLIU is downing a shot of vodka.

LESLIU: It’s Julieta. After she left for work this morning three men from the Securitate came and took everything. I tried to call her, but her phone was tapped by so many bugs that it exploded. So I went over to her office, but someone had put a boot on my car…

ALEXANDRU: (grits teeth) Valentin…

LESLIE: …so I went over to her office. She's been pretending to go to work. Turns out, she was fired from the Toilet Paper Dispensary three weeks ago. When I finally tracked her down and confronted her, she admitted everything. But then she went crazy. And now she's locked herself in the apartment and is performing illegal abortions. There’s already a line around the block!

ALEXANDRU: Wow, well that solves a problem right there. (pulls open desk drawer and removes an envelope filled with Romanian leu*) How much is she charging?
*Romanian leu = 0.3178 US dollars

SCENE XXXIX: JULES’ TASTELESS NIGHTMARE OF AN APT. – DAY

The Climaxing Crisis Scene where all our friends come together for a group hug. Odd that it should be in the worst-decorated interior in the movie. But first, there has to be a modicum of challenge and difficulty. Titmouse, Leslie, Jules and Kirbo all show up at the same time outside of Jules’ apartment. Titmouse sees Kevin and immediately goes into chimp-throwing-poop mode: “What's he doing here? Did you call all your lovers? Will your high-school prom date be joining us too?”

They all scamper out into the fire escape – no one has yet thought to simply leave Jules to her personal pity party until she realizes that self-drama will not get her anywhere. We see the drama in the blue curtains blowing in the cold breeze* and Jules, sitting on her floor in a t-shirt rocking back and forth like a mental patient. (I don’t think this was a cliché yet.) She sits next to a disconcerting giant clown head. Not sure what this is supposed to mean metaphorically. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. But the whole tableau looks like a David Lynch scene.
*After getting his heart broken by hotel waitress Lynn Sniderman, screenwriter Carl Kurlander tried to commit suicide by freezing himself to death in his dorm room. Unfortunately, his college was located in North Carolina.

Kevin tries the bars on Jules window and makes a snarky quip with political overtones: “The country's falling apart, but these bars are perfect.” He calls for an “experienced thief” and Kirbo says he’ll go get Billy, who as it just happens is now working at an Amoco station, which in all of 70 miles of Metro D.C. just happens to be right around the corner!!! Titmouse is shocked that he now knows a member of the working class: “Billy's working at a gas station?”

Then, out of absolutely nowhere, for lack of anything else to do, Titmouse grabs Kevin and dangles him Suge Knight-style off the fire escape. Kevin takes it like a puss. His notes fall out of his pocket and flutter to the alley below as Titmouse screams: “You won't be needing your notes on the ‘meaning of life” anymore!!” Well yeah, he wrote the article already so…

Kevin, remarkably calm despite being upside down (think John Cleese in A Fish Called Wanda) gamely appeals to Alec’s political ambitions: “This won't solve anything. Think of your career.” Alec responds with a characteristically megalomaniacal sentiment: “After all I've done for you!” Again: the heart of their toxic relationship.
*STUDY GROUP QUESTION: Did Alec get Kevin the job at the newspaper?

An old junker tow truck pulls up into the alley and lo and behold, it’s our FuckFace to the rescue! He emerges from the truck in service station coveralls, Bruce Springsteen* working class hero bandanna, and his strange orange socks suck overt his pants cuffs: “Looks pretty out of hand up there!” He seems to have evened out as a person: the “old” FuckFace would have driven the truck into a wall and then played 40-minute sax solo with no pause for breath.
*Rob Lowe was a maniacal fan of Springsteen, and even patterned his saxophone-playing character after the Boss’ sax man Clarence Clemons.

Titmouse finally relents and pulls Kevin up – then, Kevin decides to get tough, glaring at him like, NOW it’s on! Nothing happens. T-Mouse then turns on Leslie again:

TITMOUSE: Noble how you ran up to save your lover.
LESLIE: He's not my lover.
TITMOUSE: Bullshit!
LESLIE: Look, I've never lied to you since the day I met you, you cocky shithead!

This is supposed to be a great tell-off line. Hmph. I guess since Leslie has been such a boring character that this sort of works.

Kevin and Kirbo are trying to drag an acetylene torch and tank up the fire ladder. Are we sure there isn’t an easier way to get Jules out of her slump? But an acetylene torch is more visually dramatic because it shoots off sparks (sparks are essential to most MTV videos, of which this is a 2-hour one) and shows how cool our young charges are for even knowing how to operate it without frying off their facial features. Why not call the cops? Why not a locksmith? Does everything have to be so high drama? Yes! Titmouse, ever the territorial pisser, demands the blowtorch, but Kevin grabs it from him: “I know how to handle a blowtorch.” Either he’s standing up for himself at last, or he’s afraid this vengeful Republican will fry off his face.

Zzzzzzz

Inside, FuckFace clamors up the stairs and beings loudly pounding on Jules’ door – everything this guy does is obnoxious. A door down the hallway opens and out pops the Gaykren, with flipped up collar and silver-and-black power tie. FF scrambles past him and grabs a fire extinguisher and holds it like an M-16. He shoots a steely look at Ron: “I'm going in.” This is supposed to be the funny moment, right?

Just as FF charges the door, Jules gets up from her incessant rocking and unbolts it. He comes flying in, sprawling on the floor. Kevin sums it up with an eye roll and a sing-song "Hi, Billy.”

Billy wraps Jules in a blanket (she seems like a homeless woman – Myra’s revenge!) and runs around closing all the windows. Working at Amoco as a grease monkey has turned him a bit into a philosopher: “What's the big deal here? You lost a job? I've lost twenty of them since graduation! Plus a wife and kid. In a new development, a handful of hair in the shower this morning. You know, this smells to me like a little bit of self-created drama. I should know. I've been starring in a few of my own.”

Billy losing his hair? Impossible.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK: Where we wrap up this whole sorry affair in our glorious finale to St. Elmo’s Friday. Yeh.

REST IN TEMPO

ST. ELMO'S FIRE, PART X: ¡Amour Perdido!

SCENE XXXI: KEVIN AND KIRBY'S BACHELOR HOVEL – NIGHT (Cont'd)

We are at Moment of Truth for our protagonists, Kevin and Leslie. They hesitate, then….come together like two drunken ships colliding. Their lovemaking is so violent and physical, I’m surprised there were no broken teeth involved!* They fall to the floor, fumbling, bumbling, rolling around like a pair of sloshed wrestlers, Kevin whimpering, “Oh, I love you! I've always loved you!” He tires to undo her bra but she tells him the clasp is in the front.* Leslie pulls his hair and apologizes, but Kev apparently likes rough sex (“No, no, I love it! I love it!”). I wonder if he got that from Naomi…
*Remembers Ally Sheedy about this scene: “I could not wait for that to be over…I didn’t know that Andrew was going to be on top of me in a chair, looking like we were actually having sex.” For some reason, she later claimed she wasn't aware she’d have to be naked for the shower scene (?!?) and thought it would be just “kissing.” McCarthy had an equally tough time: “What I remember about it was Joel being unsatisfied that it wasn’t hot enough, passionate enough. And Joel, in the way only Joel could do, screamed out, ‘You're fucking! Action!’…Ally burst into tears and I just stood up naked and went, ‘What the fuck is the matter with you?’"

They spawn. Lots and lots and lots of sweaty, gasping later…after spawning on the couch, a chair, the coffin (little do they notice that the corpse of one of Kirbo’s first victims lies rotting inside, wrapped in lye and plastic and covered in calla lilies). The love theme plays tenderly over this scene, even though the coital carnage displayed could use some speed metal, dirty hip hop, or the regional novelty song “Knocks Things Over” by the Milwaukee singer Pat McCurdy, which we advise you play over this scene for your own amusement or refusement.*

*Let's get together and knock things over
Let's get together and wiggle around
Let's get together and knock things over
I love to see things falling down
There goes the clock, a glass of water
We can't stop although we oughtta
'Cause we're gonna get a shock when the clock gets wet
Hey there goes the remote from the TV set
There goes the lamp, there goes the table
The radio, the TV cable
And when this little bed starts to shake too much
Hey there goes an ashtray full of cigarette butts
And while this room goes up in flames
We're gonna shake the pictures right outta their frames

Ah, here comes the shower sex scene, another wonderful trope of the 80s film – think David Naughton and Jenny Augutter in An American Werewolf in London (1981), Richard Gere and Valerie Kaprinsky in Breathless (1983) or Anthony Michael Hall, Ian Mitchell-Smith and Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science (1985). This one has some comedy when they destroy the shower door, sparking the first of many far-reaching consequences for this unholy union. Poor Kevin. What would his bud Naomi the Wise Hooker say in her husky nourish late nite DJ voice? Oooo there now, secret love, you playin’ but you already payin’…

Cut to a very tender post-coital scene in Kevin’s bed, on whose sheets is finally another person’s fluids besides his own. Leslie improbably still has her pearls on. With her haircut being shorter than Kevin’s they look like two young guys in bed together. Maybe Kevin is really I love with Alec and Leslie is the closest thing he can get without having to scream into his pillow late at night. Come to think of it, Leslie and Titmouse do kind of resemble each other...

Unfortunately, in a rare example of a plot point made earlier coming back into play later, Kev gave Titmouse a key so the latter could fuck the unnamed/unseen lingerie saleslady; now it comes back to haunt Kevin when he fucks Titmouse’s wife-to-be. This scene actually makes sense: Titmouse would go over to Kevin’s because he would be full of remorse for the night previous. He reels in like a slow fungus, cig clasped in his hand, hair mussed, cracking open a tall boy and sitting on down dejectedly right in front of Kev’s bedroom partition.

I know the look on Kevin’s face: It’s over and it’s barely started. Oh life, howst thou torment me!
Oh, Leslie, what you don’t know…

TITMOUSE: I'm only gonna ask you this once. Did you tell Leslie about my screwing around?
KEVIN: (lying next to a naked Leslie) No…
TITMOUSE: (nods knowingly) I believe you. I want you to know that I believe you, and I'm sorry I hit you. (pause) I don't think that I am ever gonna be able to get Leslie back.

Nelson delivers this line with just the right amount of deflated catharsis – a tool coming to terms with the effects of his toolhood. (His delivery of the last line, with tiny micro-pauses between every other word that starts and stops the sentence like a defective golf cart, is masterful.) Titmouse has truly fallen from grace, and is it any wonder that he starts becoming a secret-sex hound once he becomes a Republican? He seems destined for a cross back over the river until Kevin appear in his ratty Archie Bunker robe: “Buddy, I kind of got some company.” Then it's he presto, Back to Tool Land!

Titmouse can’t believe it…no literally, can’t believe it. He evens giggles “I never thought it was possible!” Never thought it was possible that Kevin could ever get laid? What kind of a condescending suckditch are you anyway? Here, at last, laid bare (no pun intended) is the true core of his and Kevin’s toxic relationship. Alec keeps guys like Kevin and FuckFace (and now poor Howie) around in order to feel superior; he secretly despises them for their perceived weaknesses, and Kevin is smart enough of realize this (FuckFace isn’t) but yet still not enough of an Alpha Dog to come out and say it, preferring to hang out with Titmouse to bask in the warmth of his hot wife and the sort of reflected glory he gets from being in his presence—and he hates him for it. Especially when the Young Yuppie God turns out to be a seriously flawed, skirt-chasing yahoo. Maybe Kevin wasn’t in love with Leslie all along—maybe his deflected angter towards Titmouse manifested itself in a red hot love jones for Leslie.*
*Good Lord, Freud really has ruined film criticism, hasn’t it?

Titmouse continues to act like a drunken, insulting ass and becomes inordinately interested in the unseen lass Kevin has hidden: “Hey, just a minute. Tell me. Is it the fat chick from the party? I have to know. Is it the fat chick from the party?” This was sort of funny way back when. Now, its flatly insulting to the poor full-figured sisters out there. The term "fat chick" has come to carry such a nasty frission to it, sort of like “Jewboy” or "Lesbian." This film continues to show such a contempt for the imperfects in life, and when Leslie finally appears, bare-shouldered and wrapped in a sheet, she delivers a line supposed to be dramatically devastating:

“It's not the fat chick.”

Twenty-five years later, it now sounds ridiculous and mean-spirited. A "fat" chick getting laid is not only beyond the realm of possibility, but the sheer thought of it is ludicrous! 

Anyhoo, Alec finds out, is pissed, storms out, blah blah blah. Leslie has just punked him publicly twice in the last eight or so hours. Damn, don't fuck with Hillar--uh, Leslie!

SCENE XXXII: MR. KIM’S TOWNHOUSE – MORNING

Oh poor Mr. Kim. Note the hilarity of walking into the ruins of his mansion! Laugh at the comical situation of him once again being burned by the St. Elmo’s kids! Encountering Wendy and Howie sleeping on his stairway, instead of whipping out his samjeongdo and slicing off their heads in one swift motion, he asks them: “Where is Kirby Keager?” Wend tells him meekly: “He took my new car.” Kim suddenly realizes who he’s dealing with.

SCENE XXXIII: SKI CABIN – MORNING

After all the bullshirt Kirbo the Kockblocker has put him through, this doctor guy named Guy seems pretty cool and patient and polite. But why does he go and get a camera to take a picture of them? Why does he leave his beautiful young doctor-slash-fashion model alone with this unbalanced stalker?

Again, the scene makes nada sense. But this is par for the course. Nothing has to make sense by this point. In fact, Kirby's whole storyline – which, if you recall from our previous studies – was the basis for the original short story that later became the basis for the S.E.F. screenplay. And yet it was almost cut out by the studio execs. The only thing that saved it, according to St. Elmo's lore, was the overwhelmingly positive audience reaction to test screenings when Kirbo finally grabs Dale and gives her a huge passionate smooch. It is a yahoo moment to be sure, like when Billy from Cobra Kai gets his face kicked in at the end of The Karate Kid.

And so, with triumphant music behind him, Kirbo drives his Grand Thefted auto towards the wintry sunrise, laughing maniacally despite the ruins of people's lives (including his own) he has left in his wake.

Thus endeth Kirbo's story arc. "Later, dude!"

SCENE XXXIV: E & J CAFE – DAY

A greasy spoon on Wendy’s turf, possibly chosen passive aggressively by her to make her father feel uncomfortable, and boy does it work like a charm. Pa Beamish practically lays down sheets of plastic before sitting down at the lunch counter. Wend has her "independence, Daddy!" moment when she informs him she is returning two possessions he has give her: the Chrysler and Poor Ol' Howie Brown. Oofta! Howie now disappears in the most unceremonious way (offscreen), just like Wendy's car – although the gist seems to be that between the last scene and this, Kirby has wrecked it on his way back from the ski resort.

But Lil' Wend saves the best for last:

WENDY: I don't love Howie. I don't love him. I love Billy.
PA BEAMISH: Billy? From the roof?

Yes, Billy from the roof. Not Howie from the not-roof. Daddy's little girl is a girl no more...

SCENE XXXV: ALEC & LESLIE’S YUPPIE LOFT – DAY

The Raymond Carver scene. Jules shows up with some cardboard boxes to what looks to be a living space in the throes of a severe depression: discarded shoes and garbage lie strewn about their still-unwrapped new long couch. A blue shirt sticks out of the wall. Titmouse appears in his bathrobe holding a football amidst what looks to be a pile of dried crushed flowers. Awwww… “I took off work because I thought you wouldn't be here,” Leslie informs him. “I'm sick,” Titmouse whines. What follows is the most ridiculous break-up scene in recent memory, in which the love and commitment of a long relationship ends in a piffling battle over material possessions. Yes, it is true to life, but it’s also a great summation of 1980s materialism that later would be turned into a whole movie, 1989's The War of the Roses:

TITMOUSE: You can't have the Pretenders album. That's mine.
LESLIE: I bought it.
TITMOUSE: You did not! You can have all the Billy Joels. Except The Stranger…
LESLIE: I'm taking Thriller...and Mahler's Ninth.
TITMOUSE: Kevin...is so fond of Mahler.
LESLIE: I moved in with Jules.
TITMOUSE: “Oh, how nice. Roomies again. No Springsteen leaves this house! You can have all the Carly Simons.
LESLIE: You got me those for Valentine's Day. Remember Valentine's?

And, if we haven’t fully turned away from this guy for being an inexplicable asswipe, he drops this wonderful stream of logic:

TITMOUSE: You fucked Kevin!
LESLIE: You fucked many!
TITMOUSE: Nameless, faceless many!

Apparently, he subscribes to the Tony Soprano rules of life: rules for her, none for him. Believe it or not, many men still cling to this antiquated way of doing things. I know, I know, hard to believe.

"WASTED LOVE!!!"

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK: The Return of the Son of "What If This Scene Was Directed By...?"

ST. ELMO’S FRIDAY, PT. IX: The Sh*t H*ts

SCENE XXVI: OUTSIDE DALE & JUDITH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Kirbo’s snowboarding right off the edge of sanity continues to get a cheerfully nonchalant treatment in this scene:

KIRBO: Get off the phone and open this door!
JUDITH: Are you the maniac that's been trying to cut in on my line? Ah, I should have known.
KIRBO: Where's Dale?
JUDITH: She. Went. Skiing!
KIRBO: What do you mean? Where?
JUDITH: Why should I tell you?
KIRBO: Because I'm not responsible for what I'll do to you if you don't!

Again, that last line that seemed cool back when we first saw this film, but now seems so wrong on so many different levels that it seems reckless for the filmmakers to even try to pass it off as a moment we should cheer for. Seriously, what would you do if you were a woman alone at night and some wingnut in a tux is standing under your window directly threatening you? This does not work in real life and we have the police reports to prove it.

SCENE XXVII: ALLEYWAY OUTSIDE BILLY & FELICE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The ugliness continues as we switch over to our pair of wild children Jules and FuckFace, who pull up in the alleyway in Jules’ Jeep. Like true substance abusers, they don’t wasn’t the party to end. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here, folks… A perfect petri dish for date rape. It’s even hinted that FuckFace and Jules have gone horizontal at least once before.

FuckFace is really in rare form in this scene, first asking Jules – who is obviously shaken – “What you got on underneath that skirt?” Such a gentleman. After a awkward and depressing stab at making out, Jules tries to back out and Mr. Face responds with uncommon tenderness and understanding: “Come on. Don't save it for your boss.” Any remnant of a romantic mood is completely atomized in a million shards when he tells her: “You wouldn't have so much to say with me in your mouth.” And that’s not even the most offensive thing he says (or does) in this scene! When Jules finally kicks him out of the jeep, she lays a pretty good line on him: “You break my heart. But then again, you break everyone's heart.”

Ouch. She leaves him in the cold dark alleyway as the door to his house opens and there stands Felice like a Russian babushka, clutching their baby. Up with mournful, Kenny G-like sax break. Truly a low moment.

SCENE XXVIII: SKI CABIN – NIGHT

For this semi-pivotal scene, we'd like to try something a little different this week: Imagining how a specific scene would play out if directed by someone other than Joel Schumacher.

IF THIS SCENE WAS DIRECTED BY: Michael Haneke

We see various black and white shots of the cold and forbidden wintry landscape. Over this comes the sound of someone knocking politely on a door.

CUT TO KIRBO’s fist knocking on the door to a private cabin.

GUY: Who is it?

KIRBO: Ah, yes. Is Dale Biberman there?

GUY: Who wants to know?

KIRBO: Ah, it’s a medical emergency…

GUY opens the door. He’s a rugged-looking DOCTOR-type wrapped in a bearskin rug.

CUT TO Kirby standing on the front stoop wearing a golf outfit: white shirt, white shorts, white socks, white golf shoes, tan golfing gloves – all despite the below-zero temp. He is leaning on a nine iron and smiling politely.

GUY: Who the hell are you?

KIRBO: I’m sorry to disturb you at this hour, sir.

GUY: (noticing KIRBY’s getup) You’re a long way from the sandtrap there, fella.

DALE appears next to GUY, hastily putting on a robe.

DALE: Kirby! What are you doing here?

GUY: You know this guy?

KIRBO: (smiles, waves) Hi Dale!

DALE: Uh, yes…yes…he came into the ER last month when one of his friends got hurt…

GUY: (to DALE) Is there something I should know?

DALE: No, Guy. He’s just a friend from college…

GUY: A “friend”? Well your “friend” says there’s some sort of medical emergency.

KIRBY: (shivers) Yeah! Frostbite!

GUY: Dale, this guy is crazy…

DALE: Kirby, please. Come inside.

GUY: What?!

KIRBO: No, it’s OK. I'll stay in the car.

GUY: See? It’s OK. He wants to stay in the car.

DALE: He'll freeze!

KIRBO: Well, I do have some snow chains in my trunk. (to GUY) If you wouldn't mind...?

GUY: (sighs) Fine.

CUT TO inside the cabin a brief time later. The TV is on, running a NASCAR race. We hear the muffled sound of someone breathing heavily. We slowly pull back from the TV image to reveal KIRBY, sitting in a new pair of pajamas and eating a bowl of popcorn. We hear moaning and KIRBY’s head turns, annoyed at this interruption.

KIRBO: Look, I know you guys are falling in love over there, but could you keep it to a dull roar?

CUT TO the full living room of the cabin: GUY lies on the floor, trussed like a turkey with Kirby’s snow-tire chains. He is obviously dead. The bloodied nine iron sits propped up against the wall behind the body.

KIRBO: My clothes should be dry in a few hours. Thanks for letting me use your pajamas. Nice and snuggly!

DALE sits tied up and gagged in a chair directly facing the wall. She has a crudely made dunce cap on her head and her face is scrawled in lipstick with Annie Hall-related graffiti: “Mashed yeast,” “Marshall McLuhan,” “Sorrow and the Pity,” “escaped lobsters.”

KIRBO: Look, it’s okay Dale. I understand that we weren’t meant to be. And I just want to tell you I’m fine with that. Really, I am. (yawns and stretches) Welp. I don’t know about you but I’m beat. Time to hit the hay!

He gets up and puts on his bloodstained golfing gloves. He slips on a pair of safety goggles. He hefts an electric drill in his left hand.

KIRBY: We'll talk in the morning.

He hits the ‘ON’ switch and walks out of the shot.

SCENE XXIX: KIRBY & KEVIN’S BACHELOR HOVEL – NIGHT

Herein we find out how creepy Kevin and Kirby's apartment really is – even without Kirby around.
Leslie has decided to spend the night here and we see how she starts to sort of regret it with a halting deer-in-the-headlights look on her face and her terse noting of the more disconcerting elements of Kev's "woman trap" and how they all seem to be wrapped around one theme: "Is that a coffin?" "I thought girls would think it was sexy."; "When did you win these writing awards?" "Oh, never. They're more effect to impress young ladies." Then Leslie finds a mountain of photos of herself and yet still doesn't get creeped out and flee this subterranean man-grotto.

True to how characters act in this film – zero logic – Leslie stays and both her and Kev get their liquor on. This leads to a a Bushmill-soaked confession session between our wounded love warriors. They are affected in differing ways: Leslie gets more self-absorbed; Kevin gets more goofy and wimpy. He is the sensitive "emotional (man) friend" who loves a girl so much he's willing to become the confessee to her complaining about a "bad boy" who treats her like shit. He can't even bring himself to trash Titmouse for his abominable behavior: "Whatever we say about Alec we'll regret tomorrow."

But finally, he reverts back to junior high school and the sexy singer with the Karen Carpenter pipes whom he pledged his love to whilst drunk: "Well, I think I hang around you guys so much, personally...because, well, you're all I think about."

LESLIE: Me?
KEVIN: And I think that the reason I'm not interested in other women and why I haven't had sex in so long is because I am desperately, completely in love with you. We won't even remember this tomorrow, huh?
LESLIE: Kevin. It is tomorrow.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK: More of this pointlessness.