Showing posts with label St. Elmo's Friday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label St. Elmo's Friday. Show all posts

Friday, December 3, 2010

ST. ELMO'S FRIDAY POSTSCRIPT: The 25-Year Hangover

My friends hate me now.
Emilio Estevez

Will it ever end?
Rob Lowe

When I saw it, I just knew, that's it.
Judd Nelson


Needless to say, not many participants came away from this film unscathed.

The term “Brat Pack” originated with this film and not – as the popular misconception runs – with The Breakfast Club, also released earlier that year. The term first appeared in the June 10, 1985 issue of New York magazine, two weeks before S.E.F. was released. Unfortunately, as we will see, “Hollywood’s Brat Pack” was the cover story that week (alongside the eerily similar “Ronald Reagan’s Great Right Hope"), which may have helped cement the moniker in the pop culture arena. The phrase had 19 days to sink into the consciousness of the American republic, which makes S.E.F. the quintessential Brat Pack film not through merit but through sheer perfect timing -- the kind a magazine editor dreams about.


David Blum (pictured above), a writer from Queens not much older than his subjects, was originally assigned to cover the rising career of Emilio Estevez. Estevez invited Blum to hang with him, Lowe and Nelson as they held court at the newly built Hard Rock Café in West Hollywood, much in the same way the original Hollywood Rat Pack (Humphrey Bogart, Erroll Flynn et al) held court in Holmby Hills and the Polo Lounge.

Unlike the second and best-known version of the Rat Pack (Sinatra, Sammy, Dino), the young actors were not seasoned Hollywood vets who could get away with the privileged behavior of their antecedents. Observed Blum: “What distinguishes these young actors from generations past is that most of them have skipped the one step toward success that was required of the generation of Marlon Brando and James Dean, and even that of Robert De Niro and Al Pacino: years of acting study.”

Estevez (“the unofficial president of the Brat Pack”) was the son of established Hollywood actor Martin Sheen and was already on his way to building his pseudo-auteur writer-director-actor persona. (He was already at work at his scripts for That Was Then, This Is Now, the terminally idiotic Clear Intent -- later flopping in theaters as Men At Work -- and the bargain-basement vanity project Wisdom.) According to Blum, Estevez “stands as a vivid prototype of the Brat Pack he seems to lead. Barely 23 years old, he is already accustomed to privilege and appears to revel in the attention heaped upon him almost everywhere he goes..He is living the life that any American male might dream of – to be young, single, and famous.” These words would come back to haunt both writer and subject.

The young stars' universally negative reaction to Blum's profile was certainly understandable. If you are woefully unprepared for the demands of instant (or even gradual) fame, you will certainly be unprepared for anything not remotely worshipful that pops up about you in the press. But then again: Remember how invincible you felt when you were young? Now multiply that times 100 and add in agents, limos, parties, media buzz, hotel-elevator oral sex, pushy parents and everyone telling you “You’re It!!!” Blum adopts a by-now identifiable tone; today, this would be described as “snarktastic,” but it's really as old as newsprint itself: the adopting of a sort of big picture glibness that acts as a journalistic wedge between you and your subjects. It’s also the way a journalist “sells” a story to a reader, by taking a sort of removed-yet-commanding tone. After all, one of the first thing they teach you in Lamestream Media 101 is that it’s a fine line between an article and a press release.

Of course, some writers can go to far with this distancing technique, but reading Blum’s piece today, it’s surprising how tame it is. Lowe does not come off as a dick but as a fresh faced young kid from Ol’ Virginee who is simply and naively dazzled – like a child gazing for the first time at Christmas lights – by all the hubbub surrounding him and his fellow Brats.

Nelson, however, comes off as the guy who makes celebrity encounters with the common folk awkward and unpleasant. (In one painful frieze, a young girl who is invited over to their table sits down next to Nelson, who ignores her while loudly opining to everyone else: “You can let them get close but you can’t let them sit down.”) When it comes to the actor he terms "the overrated one", Blum's observations seem stung with the same kind of appropriate indignation anyone would feel as watching an entitled young scrub act like a bitter assjack: "And now, in St. Elmo’s Fire, [Nelson] shows – with his role as a congressional assistant – that he was better off when typecast.”


Yes, there is a vinegary aftertaste to Blum’s observations (“Estevez, who is only five foot six…”; “No one from the Brat Pack has graduated from college…”) but that was nothing compared to the pillorying Blum received from the actors themselves. “You’ve ruined my life! How could you do this to me?” yelled Estevez to Blum on the day the article hit the newsstands, when angry calls from P.R. agents overwhelmed the New York switchboards. Lowe was particularly vicious, running to both the Chicago Sun-Times, where he maintained that the writer had “burned a lot of bridges” and was "not Hunter Thompson or Tom Wolfe, he’s David Blum living in a cheap flat." On the Donahue show, he stated that Blum was “jealous of their fame and wealth and success” and joined the other cast members in calling him an “unethical creep.” In an almost unforgivable betrayal from one of Blum’s peers, movie critic Richard Shickel appeared on the same show and called Blum “sleazy.”

When jewelry designer Loree Rodkin, at the time Judd Nelson's manager and bed partner, encountered Blum at a screening, she called him a “vile human being” and publicly castigated him until he fled. Schumacher later commented to a journalist that when he met Blum, he “smelled about him the person who had never been invited to the party in high school – that he looked at this group of beautiful, talented, perhaps overpaid young people, and…he had found a way to get even.” Producer Lauren Schuler Donner agreed: “This is a guy seeing something that he didn’t have.” Thing is, Blum completely admitted there was a sliver of envy in his writing. But, his point was, so what? “I, like everybody else in America who isn’t a Hollywood movie star probably thought being a Hollywood movie star is a pretty cool thing.”

There is much that is prescient about Blum’s article – particularly his indirect foreseeing of the future of overpaid Hollywood actors like Tom Cruise, who would tip the balance away from directors and command enormous salaries that could make or break a production. But Blum’s most piquant observation comes from how the transitory qualities of fame and success might bite these young cherubs in the ass:

The Brats will be coming to New York this month to promote St. Elmo’s Fire, which all of them seem rather obsessed with. Each new Brat Packer movie carries with it an increased burden – if it is not a success, the young unknowns starring in the hit movie of the moment might come up from behind and replace them. And that would mean the end of the kind of ensemble efforts that created the Brat Pack.

Blum even gives Judd Nelson credit for having such self-awareness: “You can be ‘hot’ and be a shamelessly poor actor. It’s possible, now it’s possible to be at the top for half a second and then disappear. It’s such a strange thing, to try to build a career on this heat.”

If there is a slight unfairness about the article, is that Blum simply profiled three of the St. Elmo stars, and that actors who didn’t hang out with them or were interested in other things than partying got included in with the rest. (Moore, Sheedy and McCarthy were mentioned only in passing – Winningham, the best actor of the lot, not at all.) Ally Sheedy told Interview in 1998: "[The article] immediately started this terrible association with us, that we were these kids who had too much, too fast.” Andrew McCarthy, who wound up nursing a nasty cigarette and alcohol habit much in the vein of his S.E.F. character, told the New York Observer in 1999. "It didn't have anything to do with me! It didn't exist!”" He told writer Susanna Gora: "The media made up this sort of tribe. I don't think I've seen any of these people since we finished St. Elmo's Fire."


In some weird way, the “fallout” from the New York article prevented an even-more-embarrassing sequel to S.E.F. Screenwriter Carl Kurlander, who would later go to write and produce Saved by the Bell: The New Class, has admitted that Schumacher started him on a “St. Elmo’s II” script immediately after the first film but that it was too soon and also impossible to get the young cast members together again. Director Joel Schumacher has expressed interest in reuniting the cast for a sequel and claims he gets weekly letters and emails pleading with him to continue the story of our Georgetown urchins.

Evidence of general impatience about this forgettable unforgettable film came last August when ABC annouced it was readying a reboot of the movie as a TV series with Schumacher and New Brat Topher Grace among the producers. This prompted the folks at Zap2It.com to imagine their ideal casting choices for the series, which makes all of us who grew up on the original feel mighty mighty old.


What St. Elmo's Fire says about the United States in the 1980s is not nearly so trenchant as what it says about bad art immemorial: that there will always be astonishingly poor taste, and people who shouldn't be succeeding in their vocations succeeding in their vocations to the great frustration of everyone with a shred of talent or sensitivity…The Brat Pack is about being facile little shits on top of the world headed for the painful fall of the rest of their lives--there's poetry, even familiarity, in that, and watching them when the world was their oyster has to it an air of cloying sadness.
Amazon comments by Thomas F. Redmond from Cleveland, OH, 3/31/05

Theoretically, if I could do it over again, I would not have done St. Elmo's Fire. I wouldn't have done it. But I have no regrets about any of it. Fame didn't get to me. I tried to behave myself. Looking back, I wouldn't have gone out as much. I would've stayed home more...I like to call it the exuberance of shame and youth."
Judd Nelson, Cybermutt, 12/01

LONG LIVE THE FLAME! 🔥

Friday, November 26, 2010

ST. ELMO'S FRIDAY, PART XII: The Redemption of FuckFace



SCENE XXXIX: JULES’ TASTELESS NIGHTMARE OF AN APT. – DAY (Cont’d)

After no mention is made of the fact that she is now being comforted by the very same man who tried to date rape her a few nights previous, Jules* finally speaks in a denuded croak: “Do you know what I've been doing every day since I got fired? I've been sitting in the hospital with my step-monster. We've had the best talks we've ever had. Of course, she's in a coma, which really pisses me off. Because all that time I just waited for one word from that woman about why my father hates me so much.” So that’s it then? Daddy issues? We had no indication of this whatsoever. Jules mentioned in an early scene that his new girlfriend is her age, which bodes the contemporary question: Was Jules molested as a child? I know, I know, it sucks, but people weren't asking such questions in '85.
*Jules trivia: Demi Moore wanted to play this scene nude but that Schumacher killed that idea because it would be too hard to film -- something Andrew Bergman figured his way around when he directed her for Striptease 11 years later. Back in the day, film-industry stroke mag Premiere alleged that Schumacher lit into Moore on the set, screaming at her until she was in tears. Hence, the real tears on film...
Oh wait, FuckFace is still talking: “Jules, you know, honey, this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's fire. The electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere.* Sailors would guide entire journeys by it. But there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo.** They made it up because they needed it to keep going when things got tough. Just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time on the edge.”
*Sorta true. St. Elmo's fire as a phenomenon is quite real, whose origins are electrical in nature. St. Elmo's fire didn't appear in the sky but instead manifested around the masts of the ship, thus making it impossible to chart a course by.
**St. Elmo was actually two Roman Catholic saints: St. Peter Gonzalez and St. Erasmus of Formiae. Both are considered the patron saints of sailors.

Real St. Elmo’s Fire As Seen from the cockpit of an A319:

Believe it or not, the most famous image in the entire film – Lowe touching his lighter to one of Jules' aerosol cans and blasting a brief flame without managing to catch his mullet on fire – was Rob Lowe’s idea (“a burst of energy and beauty and youth and combustability that is there for an instant, then gone forever”). This is the strange twist buried deep in this film’s sparkly surface: Lowe’s character has been FuckFace for most of the film, but he redeems himself with his “St. Elmo’s fire” metaphor – much the same way Rob Lowe the actor has been coasting on his roguish good looks for most of the film, only to add the flame at the last minute and thus creating one of the most enduring images in ‘80s movies. Wethinks that FuckFace has earned the right – despite the phone book-sized list of crimes and misdemeanors he has accrued over the last two hours – to be called Billy again. (Case in point: The "old" Billy would have lit one of his farts to make the St. Elmo's fire metaphor.) The filmmakers have pulled off a great little bait and switch: It was Alec who began the film as our worshipped idol, and by the end, he is revealed as the consummate dickweed; the exact opposite happens for Billy.

JULES: I'm just so tired. I never thought I'd be so tired at 22.* I just don't even know who to be anymore.
*Susan Becker, the film’s costume designer, was the originator of this line. Judging from the awful fashions seen in this film, she should have taken a long nap.

BILLY: Join the club. No one was buying this together-woman-of-the-eighties stuff anyway.
JULES: And all this time I was afraid you'd find out I wasn't fabulous.
BILLY: It's cool. All this time I was afraid you'd find out I was irresponsible.

They're laughing! Hey Mikey!

SCENE XXXX: WENDY BEAMISH’S SOON-NOT-TO-BE-VIRGIN DWILLING – NIGHT

Even Wendy – who apparently has won can’t believe his transformation. (Well, he sits on the floor playing his just-rebought-from-hock sax without once offering to help Wend paint her new apartment…but hey, Rome wasn’t rebuilt in a night.)

WENDY: So when did you get so sane?
BILLY: When I realized how insane I'd been trying to be like Alec. I'm not part of this after-college life. Careers. Marriage. Felicia and Melody'll be better off without me.


Apparently, Felice and Ray Slater have reconciled. Billy even pays Wendy back for the 4,000 times he’s hit her up for cash. “I'll get you the rest once I get settled in New York,” he resolves. “If I can find someone who's fool enough to let me play my sax.” This leads to Wend’s trite mini-logue:

You wanna know what's great? Last night, I woke up to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And you know, it was my kitchen, and it was my refrigerator and it was my apartment and it was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've had in my entire life.

The best? Wend, your peanut butter and jelly ain’t got nothin’ on what’s coming down your pike:

BILLY: You still a virgin?
WENDY: Why is my sexual status so important to you?
BILLY: Have I abused our relationship too much or could I be so bold as to ask you for a going-away present?

He shoots, he scores! The Giants have won the pennant! We’re goin’ all the way tonight tonight we’re goin’ all the way toniiiiigghhhhht!*
*What the filmmakers have left out: "Owwwwuch!” “Um, oops, sorry”…Billy cutting away Wendy’s rubber fat suit with an Xacto knife…embarrassed crying…Billy using the thumb of a painter’s glove as a condom…lots of hot water and soap…Wendy turning into a total sheet-scorcher and batting Billy’s balls out of the park, making him eat out of a dog dish: "Billy. Your money’s on the dresser. I’m done with you.”

SCENE XXXXI: BUS STATION – NIGHT

Our penultimate scene. Billy’s leaving on that midnight bus to New York. Everyone looks quietly relieved.

TITMOUSE: You're beautiful. Never shave.
BILLY: Don't go changing to please me.*
*It would make sense that he would quote Billy Joel to Alec, who seems to not be able to part with his Billy Joel record The Stranger, of which “Just the Way You Are” is the 3rd track.

Billy’s parting wisdom before he boards the Greyhound: “Go get out of hand.”


LESLIE: (voice over) I can't remember who met who first...or who fell in love with who first. All I can remember is the seven of us always together….

The other big change comes when that slut Leslie links her arms with the two men she’s been toying with like wounded little mice: “I've made a decision. I think I have to be by myself for a while. I love you both. I'm gonna try life without any miracles for a while. I hope we can still be friends.”

Ugh. Yet Alec and Kevin seem totally happy with that. No grappling necessary.

"Uh, Billy, I think I'm pregna -- oh, never mind"

SCENE XXXXII: OUTSIDE ST. ELMO’S BAR – NIGHT

The “sobering up” scene. The gang stops by St. Elmo’s Bar and stares inside: suddenly, the bar seems too loud and too stuffed with “kids.” They all have to get up early the next day and go to work. Jules has to find work. So does Kirby, who’s now a person of interest in the mysterious disappearance of a young medical resident and her doctor boyfriend. They resolve to meet for brunch at another restaurant – “Hoolihan’s,” which I imagine as a nightmare hybrid of Bennigan’s and Applebee’s. These peeps are aging so rapidly that by the end of the scene they’re playing shuffleboard, wearing their pants up to their navels, watching Fox News, stealing free packets of Sweet ‘N’ Low from restaurants and going to bed at 4:30pm. Ah, the death of youth in time lapse.

JULES: Guess what? You guys will never believe it. I found out that it only costs $250 to bury a cat. So I figured, why don't I just put my step-monster into a large cat suit?

(Collective groan from the gang: “Oh, you wacky Jules!”)

ALL: A-booga-booga-booga, ah-ha-ha!

Last shot: The exterior of the St. Elmo’s Bar. Up with "Man in Motion" song.

The (merciful) end.
bobbything, theagonybooth.com forum, 11/11/09

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK: Where we mop up the booth and assess the body count.

Friday, November 19, 2010

ST. ELMO’S FRIDAY, PT. XI: Tract Housing in Maryland?



SCENE XXXVI: JULES’ TASTELESS NIGHTMARE OF AN APT. – DAY

After a wonderful morning overseeing the equal distribution of record albums, Leslie pulls up in Jules’ Jeep, only to find Kevin hanging around like a poozer. Wrapped in his beige trenchcoat, holding flowers wrapped in paper and a bottle of wine wrapped in beige paper. Kevin slaps the morning’s newspaper against the windshield right in Leslie’s face, grinning with cig smoke pouring out of his mouth. We catch his first byline:

THE MEANING OF LIFE: Observations by Kevin Dolenz

Only with the power of freeze-frame can we see some excerpts:

Pop tarts now come in twelve flavors; music videos are a twenty-four hour a day phenomenon; ordinary women can transform themselves into goddesses in aerobics temples. All signs indicate that we are in the zenith of contemporary civilization…[MIDDLE PART OBSCURED]…and take along your favorite albums, preferably THE DOORS, so you’ll have something to listen to. There’s life in my three volume set.

Uh-huh. Strange how now, reading these cryptic and incoherent scraps, we can see the parallels between Kevin’s observations and the rambling banality of Larry King’s infamous USA Today column.* Thing is, from all indications, the only a newspaper in reality that would publish a bunch of folderol would be The Hurley’s Old Timey Market Pennypincher. If that.
*Oddly enough, Larry King debuted his talk show on CNN in June 1985, the very month and year S.E.F. was released.


Cut to Kevin mooning over Leslie, who is obviously put off by his fawning-faun expression and limp-wimp gratefulness. Leslie continues to pump him up, which is probably the exact wrong thing to be doing, while Kev practically falls on top of her as he’s trying to read his piece. “It's because of you," he breathed, "I couldn't write anything till you.” He starts kissing her. She says, “What?” Not a good sign.

Just then, Hurricane Jules blows in wearing her bad girl garb: black leather jacket with fringe on the arms. Yee-Uck. She seems utterly unshocked by Kevin and Leslie’s inept canoodling: “Don't you guys ever use a bed?”

Leslie jumps up to: (a) show Jules Kevin’s piece and (b) get away from the 5000 Fingers of Kevin D. Kevin barely lets her get two steps away when he blurts pout “Wait, wait, wait” before landing 20 more kisses on her face. This is an exquisitely painful scene for us literary-minded sensitive college guys: Kevin’s behavior is so annoying, so needy and grasping and unedited, that it still makes me cringe. Because we’ve all been there. I still think of my obsequious caveman desire to get laid at any price and the way it affected my behavior in so many pathetic ways. Come to think of it, there were a few lean years there where I “swore off women” just like Kevin and my friends began to wonder...

Poor Ron Dellasandro, who seems to be showing up at all the wrong times, shows up and sees Kevin mouth-washing Leslie. Kevin shoves it in his face: “Hi, Ron!” Unrelease the Gaykren!
Kevin: Blowing It

Cut to Jules pulling out a vial so full of coke that it looks like a bottle of White Out with the label torn off.* She plays with her hair like it’s a nuisance. Leslie stands in the doorway with a disapproving look, augmented by her church-doily collar. “Kevin has his first byline,” Leslie says, handing Jules the paper as she blows out again. “That’s great!” Jules shrieks, grabbing the paper absently and reading the first thing she sees: “Tract Housing in Maryland”?
*As any good S.E.F. loremeister should know, Demi Moore had a real problem with drugs. One day, she came to the set higher than a kite and Joel Schumacher kicked her off the set. In order to avoid getting fired, Moore went through rehab.
Jules: Also Blowing It

She gives Kevin’s piece a 1.1 millisecond glance – yep, been there before – before blowing back out the door to meet Forrester. “She's out of control,” Leslie moans as she rushes to the window to check out Jules’ sugar daddy. Kevin, apparently on spring-load, shoots up from the couch to rush to help Leslie open the window. He’s rapidly losing points. Seeing Jules meet Forrester on the street below, he quips: “International banking has gotten sexier” – a sort of a rehash line that recalls FuckFace’s earlier “Welfare recipients are getting better-looking.”

Before she has a chance to inhale her next breath, Kevin slips his arm through hers and bleats out: “Speaking of which, not to get ahead of myself, but I was thinking: maybe we'd get a place together.” For the second time, Leslie responds: “What?” – but she’s finally dropped her veil of denial. When Kevin tell her he loves her for the 1000th time, she decides to stick it to him: “Kevin, sex isn't love.”

Now it’s Kevin’s turn for denial: “What's that mean?”

LESLIE: That means that you were sitting there with all these feelings – incredible feelings – tied up in a box with my pictures. And I needed to break away from Alec.

In Kevin’s eyes one can see the beginnings of a fallen crest. To make matters worse, the phone rings and once again the consummate sloppy-seconds cockblocker Alec, whose timing has become downright brutal for Kevin’s love life. Leslie answers and Titmouse, who apparently can’t admit fault face-to-face, mumbles, “I'm not proud of my behavior.”

KEVIN: Hang up.
TITMOUSE: Who's that? That's not Kevin, is it? You're not with Kevin playing my records?

Oy. Again with the records! Their conversation plays out like a misunderstanding on a sitcom, or an Abbott & Costello routine.

LESLIE: Stop it, please.
KEVIN: Tell him we're moving in together.
LESLIE: We are not!
TITMOUSE: So the two of you are moving in together!
LESLIE: I wish everything could be like it was, all of us friends.
KEVIN: I don't want to be friends!
(Leslie gapes at him) Uh, I didn't mean that. I mean, it was an accident.

There is an agonizing pause. Leslie looks shocked, as if Kevin revealed he is a hermaphrodite. It’s not that bad of a sentiment: We are adults and I want to take this thing we have to the next level.

Irregardless. Leslie kicks him out.

SCENE XXXVII: STREET OUTSIDE OF ST. ELMO’S BAR – NIGHT

A totally pointless scene but for the fact that it has a line that was in the promo trailer:

KIRBO: I always thought we'd be friends forever.
KEVIN: Yeah, well, forever got a lot shorter suddenly, didn't it?

Dejected Kevin and a rejected Kirbo – apparently out on bail for assault, trespassing and assorted mayhem – amble up to the bar window and look in. There, at their old table, sits Alec, who seems to have not skipped a beat in inviting his NEW yuppie politico K-Street friends to be his new gaggle of syncophants. Harsh!

SCENE XXXVIII: SENATOR HODGES’ OFFICE– DAY

IF THIS SCENE WAS DIRECTED BY: The Romanian New Wave


Alec -- or for the purposes of this scene, Alexandru -- is dressed in ugly striped tie and short-sleeved dress shirt. He sits behind his metal desk in front of a ripped and yellowing poster of Nicolae Ceauşescu. The light coming through the windows is sunless and glaring, casting a harsh hue on the drab and depressing office: bad turquoise paint job, cracked walls, no pictures or plants, just gunmetal gray filing cabinets and piles of papers. The cheap lamp on his desk blinks on and off constantly. He is chain-smoking and fielding a phone call. (Note: The whole scene is shot in one take with a handheld camera.)

ALEXANDRU: (on phone) …do not complain to me, okay? Your bus driver brother Valentin should not have performed that illegal hotel-room abortion, much less requesting sex from both patients. (pause) I don’t care if the phone is bugged! You assholes over at the Ministry of Parking can fix anything, right? Half of your cousins have connections with the Securitate! Hello? Hello!?

Constantin, one of his office mates, a big hairy man with a thick moustache and sagging jowls, leans on the doorjamb, eating a large sloppy sandwich.

CONSTANTIN: Phones are out again, eh?

Alexandru, frustrated, hangs up, tries to turn off his desk lamp but gets shocked.

ALEXANDRU: Câcat! Why don’t they get some new lamps that don’t attack us when we touch them?

CONSTANTIN: I hear they got a bunch of new ones in the sub-basement.

ALEXANDRU: How new?

CONSTANTIN: 1971, I think.

ALEXANDRU: This one is from 1980.

CONSTANTIN: I know.

ALEXANDRU: So that means these newer desk lamps are actually older than this one?

CONSTANTIN: It would appear so.

ALEXANDRU: (rubs face) You know what? It makes sense in that it doesn’t make sense.

CONSTANTIN: (pops last bit of sandwich in mouth) Making sense is a luxury we cannot afford, my friend.

Alexandru stretches back in his chair, pulls out a bottle of Dakk Premium Vodka from his desk drawer and waves it in the air.

ALEXANDRU: How about some lunch on top of your lunch?

CONSTANTIN: I’m already drunk.

But he pulls up a rusty chair anyway and Alexandru pours two cracked, mismatched glasses full of vodka. Both clink glasses and drink deep, slamming the glasses on the desk. Then, for an uncomfortably long time, nothing happens. The two men just sit, staring into space. An air of defeat and resignation hangs in the air so thick that it could clog a woodchipper. Alexandru pours two more glasses and they drink again. Nothing continues to happen for about five minutes of screen time.

ALEXANDRU: What do you want?

CONSTANTIN: Oh, right. What was it….oh yeah. Your ex is here.

ALEXANDRU: What? Lesliu? She’s here?

CONSTANTIN: Yes.

ALEXANDRU: When?

CONSTANTIN: Right now.

ALEXANDRU: No, you cretin. When did she come in?

CONSTANTIN: Oh. About six hours ago.

ALEXANDRU: Six hours!? Why didn’t you tell me?

CONSTANTIN: Well, you know, she had to stand in line. But before that she had to fill out the forms to stand in line. Then the spot check and strip search while a bunch of guards drank vodka and laughed at her body. Then she had to bribe them not to gang rape her. Then she stood in the wrong line and accidentally spent four hours in detention as an Enemy of the State. I’m wondering if I’m leaving anything out…

ALEXANDRU: Where is she now?

CONSTANTIN: Well, after they performed some “tests” on her, I think they had her tape a message of fealty to Our Great Leader.

ALEXANDRU: (rubbing eyes in frustration) Costantin…

CONSTANTIN: …so now, I think she’s on Level 2, debriefing, filling out her debriefing forms in quadruplicate. While having her body mocked by the debriefers.

ALEXANDRU: Hmph. I can’t say she doesn’t deserve it, but I’d better go check on her.

CUT TO a dingy subbasement hallway lit by flickering florescent lights. Alexandru is bribing two lummox security guards with packs of cigarettes and toilet paper. Then one of them stumbles into the interrogation room behind a rusty metal door. He comes back holding a dazed Leslie by the arm. She looks drugged and disoriented and is wearing a dull gray prison smock. The other guard hands Alexandru a clipboard.

GUARD: (burps rudely) Sign here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And here. Initial here. And here. And here. And here...

ALEXANDRU: (complying) This is absurd. I will inform your superiors of this incident, you can be sure of that.

LESLIU: (zombiesque) Daddy, I think they impregnated me…

ALEXANDRU: (to guards) Great. Nice job. (taking her by the arm and ushering her down the hall) Well, I always wanted us to have a kid. Not the way I expected it would play out, but whatever. Why are you here anyway?

LESLIU: I…I forgot…

CUT TO Alexandru’s office, where LESLIU is downing a shot of vodka.

LESLIU: It’s Julieta. After she left for work this morning three men from the Securitate came and took everything. I tried to call her, but her phone was tapped by so many bugs that it exploded. So I went over to her office, but someone had put a boot on my car…

ALEXANDRU: (grits teeth) Valentin…

LESLIE: …so I went over to her office. She's been pretending to go to work. Turns out, she was fired from the Toilet Paper Dispensary three weeks ago. When I finally tracked her down and confronted her, she admitted everything. But then she went crazy. And now she's locked herself in the apartment and is performing illegal abortions. There’s already a line around the block!

ALEXANDRU: Wow, well that solves a problem right there. (pulls open desk drawer and removes an envelope filled with Romanian leu*) How much is she charging?
*Romanian leu = 0.3178 US dollars

SCENE XXXIX: JULES’ TASTELESS NIGHTMARE OF AN APT. – DAY

The Climaxing Crisis Scene where all our friends come together for a group hug. Odd that it should be in the worst-decorated interior in the movie. But first, there has to be a modicum of challenge and difficulty. Titmouse, Leslie, Jules and Kirbo all show up at the same time outside of Jules’ apartment. Titmouse sees Kevin and immediately goes into chimp-throwing-poop mode: “What's he doing here? Did you call all your lovers? Will your high-school prom date be joining us too?”


They all scamper out into the fire escape – no one has yet thought to simply leave Jules to her personal pity party until she realizes that self-drama will not get her anywhere. We see the drama in the blue curtains blowing in the cold breeze* and Jules, sitting on her floor in a t-shirt rocking back and forth like a mental patient. (I don’t think this was a cliché yet.) She sits next to a disconcerting giant clown head. Not sure what this is supposed to mean metaphorically. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. But the whole tableau looks like a David Lynch scene.
*After getting his heart broken by hotel waitress Lynn Sniderman, screenwriter Carl Kurlander tried to commit suicide by freezing himself to death in his dorm room. Unfortunately, his college was located in North Carolina.

Kevin tries the bars on Jules window and makes a snarky quip with political overtones: “The country's falling apart, but these bars are perfect.” He calls for an “experienced thief” and Kirbo says he’ll go get Billy, who as it just happens is now working at an Amoco station, which in all of 70 miles of Metro D.C. just happens to be right around the corner!!! Titmouse is shocked that he now knows a member of the working class: “Billy's working at a gas station?”


Then, out of absolutely nowhere, for lack of anything else to do, Titmouse grabs Kevin and dangles him Suge Knight-style off the fire escape. Kevin takes it like a puss. His notes fall out of his pocket and flutter to the alley below as Titmouse screams: “You won't be needing your notes on the ‘meaning of life” anymore!!” Well yeah, he wrote the article already so…

Kevin, remarkably calm despite being upside down (think John Cleese in A Fish Called Wanda) gamely appeals to Alec’s political ambitions: “This won't solve anything. Think of your career.” Alec responds with a characteristically megalomaniacal sentiment: “After all I've done for you!” Again: the heart of their toxic relationship.
*STUDY GROUP QUESTION: Did Alec get Kevin the job at the newspaper?

An old junker tow truck pulls up into the alley and lo and behold, it’s our FuckFace to the rescue! He emerges from the truck in service station coveralls, Bruce Springsteen* working class hero bandanna, and his strange orange socks suck overt his pants cuffs: “Looks pretty out of hand up there!” He seems to have evened out as a person: the “old” FuckFace would have driven the truck into a wall and then played 40-minute sax solo with no pause for breath.
*Rob Lowe was a maniacal fan of Springsteen, and even patterned his saxophone-playing character after the Boss’ sax man Clarence Clemons.

Titmouse finally relents and pulls Kevin up – then, Kevin decides to get tough, glaring at him like, NOW it’s on! Nothing happens. T-Mouse then turns on Leslie again:

TITMOUSE: Noble how you ran up to save your lover.
LESLIE: He's not my lover.
TITMOUSE: Bullshit!
LESLIE: Look, I've never lied to you since the day I met you, you cocky shithead!

This is supposed to be a great tell-off line. Hmph. I guess since Leslie has been such a boring character that this sort of works.

Kevin and Kirbo are trying to drag an acetylene torch and tank up the fire ladder. Are we sure there isn’t an easier way to get Jules out of her slump? But an acetylene torch is more visually dramatic because it shoots off sparks (sparks are essential to most MTV videos, of which this is a 2-hour one) and shows how cool our young charges are for even knowing how to operate it without frying off their facial features. Why not call the cops? Why not a locksmith? Does everything have to be so high drama? Yes! Titmouse, ever the territorial pisser, demands the blowtorch, but Kevin grabs it from him: “I know how to handle a blowtorch.” Either he’s standing up for himself at last, or he’s afraid this vengeful Republican will fry off his face.

Zzzzzzz

Inside, FuckFace clamors up the stairs and beings loudly pounding on Jules’ door – everything this guy does is obnoxious. A door down the hallway opens and out pops the Gaykren, with flipped up collar and silver-and-black power tie. FF scrambles past him and grabs a fire extinguisher and holds it like an M-16. He shoots a steely look at Ron: “I'm going in.” This is supposed to be the funny moment, right?

Just as FF charges the door, Jules gets up from her incessant rocking and unbolts it. He comes flying in, sprawling on the floor. Kevin sums it up with an eye roll and a sing-song "Hi, Billy.”

Billy wraps Jules in a blanket (she seems like a homeless woman – Myra’s revenge!) and runs around closing all the windows. Working at Amoco as a grease monkey has turned him a bit into a philosopher: “What's the big deal here? You lost a job? I've lost twenty of them since graduation! Plus a wife and kid. In a new development, a handful of hair in the shower this morning. You know, this smells to me like a little bit of self-created drama. I should know. I've been starring in a few of my own.”

Billy losing his hair? Impossible.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK: Where we wrap up this whole sorry affair in our glorious finale to St. Elmo’s Friday. Yeh.